Not knowing what I want is going to ruin me, it might even kil me and worse it'll hurt the ones i love most, it's already done some damage and pathetic i can't even control the words spitting out of my own mouth, speech and the use of the tongue muscle are voluntary muscle movements, so my words must be voluntary, am i really so horrible? yes, evil conniving selfish mean self-centered bitch someone pull the trigger at my temple, i'm too much of a coward to flex the muscle of my index finger i can only caress temptation, i looked at buildings today, contemplated their height but four stories isn't enough to kill me, espeically with snow padding the ground, the jump would only maim me and alert the authorities, "ATTEMPTED SUICIDE! NOW YOU'LL GO THE PSYCH WARD! WE'LL KEEP A CLOSE WATCH ON YOU! YOU MIGHT BE MISERABLE BUT WE'LL BE DAMNED IF WELL LET IT KILL YOU! WE'LL BE DAMNED IF WE'LL LET YOU KILL YOURSELF, IF YOU ESCAPE THE PAIN THEN OTHERS WILL WANT TO BE ESCAPING THE PAIN! WE WANT PRODUCTIVE REPRODUCTIVE WORKERS NOT CORPSES!" No i'd say the buildling would have to be at least in the double digits, maybe eighteen, a floor for every miserable pathetic goddamn year of my life, but i have to plan this carefully, don't want to kill someone else in the fall, i've hurt enough poeple as it is, and i can't seem to stop hurting the ones i love, hateful words spewing forth, my sadnesss seeping out into my voice selfish bitch don't bring him down too just fucking fake it, you say you want him to be happy and i do i really do but then my own happiness eludes me, so selfish just fucking fake it, like you've done before, faking happiness or at least normality is easy, just make sure they don't catch you, just force yourself into that stage for two fucking seconds even if your heart is drowning just make your voice higher, add a lilt even smile while you say it just fucking FAKE IT at least do that for him and stop hurting him and stop thinking those mean arrogant thoughts stop pushing him away or i'll cause what i fear the mose like i've done so often before DON'T PUSH HIM AWAY STOP or else he'll eventually actually eave and then you'll/i'll get even more hurt and angry and turly force him to leave and i cna't have that plase no i need him i dont know why but i do JUST BE NIC EAND HAPPY EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT BECAUSE YOU CAN'T AFFOR TO LOSE HIM TOO. JUST FAKE IT FOR HIM but it's so hard when he's the only one you've ever been able to feel genuinely around, to genuinely feel around and actually receive understanding and sumpathy and caring, when he's the only one who's ever listened in your whole fucking life, so easy to talk to BUT THIS SI WHY I MUST NOT LOSE HIM OR SHOVE HIM AWAY SO HARD HE WON'T COME BACK becuse i rally do love him, as a person, as a sol he's so sweet and kind and caring so let him be happy and stop dragging him down this is his time to be happy and see his dreams and hopes come true i must stop the cesspool of self-pity taht escapes when he's around i love him and i must prove it FAKE IT FAKE IT FAKE IT FAKE IT PRETEND TO BE HAPPY JUST FAKE IT FAKE IT FAKE IT FAKE IT FAKE IT FAKE IT FAKE IT FAKE IT FAKE IT FAKE IT FAKE IT JUST FUCKING FAKE IT! and maybe one day i won't have to fake it maybe one day it will be true you know you're not right for him i'm too mean and he could have so much better she's so much more beautiful and soft and angelic an wild and sweet and sex and perfect whoever she is she is so fucking perfect and so right for him so just let him go let him go to her let himd find the happiness that he'll never find with you because you'll never be good enough you'll never measure upa nd he deserves so much better he can have so much better he WILL have so much better she'll be his angel his saving grace the love he doesn't believe in she'll change that she's perfect she is everything i am not and if you have any fucking decency then just fade into the corner and shut the fuck up so just stop whining and crying and let him go and pretend to be happing; do it for him and don't be the mean bitch you/i know you/i are be the lifelong friend like i've been promising stop dragging him with you let him go let him go let him go let him go let him free to find happiness and escape from your sickening ugly disgusting creepy pathetic loser revolting existence let him go fake it and SHUT THE FUCK UP.